


Violetta Does Stand-Up

by phoenixyfriend



Category: Girl Genius (Webcomic)
Genre: Canon-Typical Behavior, F/F, F/M, Just think about Sturmhalten and resign yourself to the bullshit that is Aaronev and Lucrezia, M/M, Minor Character Death, Multi, Polyamory, Stand-Up Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:13:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24141136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixyfriend/pseuds/phoenixyfriend
Summary: Every fandom needs a character doing stand-up comedy, right? This is mostly just Violetta complaining about canon, as one does.
Relationships: Agatha Heterodyne & Violetta Mondarev, Agatha Heterodyne/Tarvek Sturmvoraus/Gilgamesh "Gil" Wulfenbach, Violetta Mondarev & Tarvek Sturmvoraus, Zeetha Daughter of Chump/Bangladesh "Bang" DuPree/Anevka Sturmvoraus
Comments: 11
Kudos: 68





	Violetta Does Stand-Up

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this on a whim in discord, brought it here and cleaned it up a bit. Started as a fake reddit post and then I realized I was imagining it more as a comedy routine.

Alright, this is going to be... so stupid. But you all showed up tonight for some reason, so bear with me. Let me lay out the beginner cast real quick.  
  
Cousin S, 22, female.  
Cousin M, 24, male. S's older brother.  
Cousin N, 25, female. She's a few months older than M and he hates it.  
Cousin T, 22, male. He's N's younger brother  
A: distant uncle, he's N and T's father.  
G: Grandma (not actually my grandma, but we all call her that)

So T and M are currently in line to inherit something big and fancy and everyone hates them for being so close to inheriting, as you do. T is younger but is first in line because his mom was older than M's mom. G tries to keep everyone under control, but various cousins are all trying to kill each other. The heir can't be a woman, but can pass _through_ a woman, so I can't inherit, and neither can N or S. The only reason this is a good thing is that I'm pretty sure N would have killed literally everyone ahead of her if she could inherit.

S is in love with a guy, let's call him W, who is also 22, and was childhood friends with T.

W is in love with a girl (19, let's call her H), that T is also in love with. All three of them are of a relatively noble background, so there isn't a major issue in terms of "oh, you can't marry a _commoner,"_ which is a big thing in that branch of my family. Now, W and T claim they hate each other. Like a lot. I'm convinced they actually like each other (they're one shirtless argument away from making out in a broom closet), but that's neither here or there.

M has decided that the best way to secure the inheritance is to marry H.

S is hoping that Cousin T wins the affection of H so that she, that is, Cousin S, can marry W.

N doesn't really _have_ an opinion other than "I want to see how much chaos I can stir up," except she managed to fall for W's crazy babysitter, and super-buff twin sister(22F), so she's managed to fall into some polyamorous lesbian hellscape of drama on the side. There are a lot of knives involved and I don't want to be anywhere near that particular mess, because I will bleed if I get within five feet of them. I can handle myself, but they scare me.

Now, uncle A is still kinda bitter about a few things, namely:

He used to have a massive crush on H's mom, L. L never actually dated him, but she led him along for decades so she could use him, to the point where he tried to kill N at one point in some twisted bid to bring L back to life fifteen years after she died. (He did not get therapy. I was pretty sure N was going to snap and kill him one of these days, which was fair. Also, soon to be very relevant.)

The other thing he's still bitter about is that he wasn't in direct line to inherit the big fancy thing, and wasn't even close enough to inherit by just killing off the competition. The best he could manage was marrying the woman that it would pass through, who was his second or third cousin or something. I'm not going to check the charts until I'm getting married myself, because my family is like the fucking fantasy Hapsburgs and I hate thinking about it.

So

Fucking

_Anyway_

L somehow comes back. Turns out she faked her death, which would have been okay for uncle A, except Cousin N kills him like two hours before L shows up.

L decides that the solution to losing her adoring slave is to seduce cousin T, because he looks like his dad used to, and he's in line for the big fancy inheritance I mentioned earlier.

She manipulates the hell out of H (who's never met the woman before that day, she was adopted) in an attempt to steal her life and maybe-boyfriend, which is like. Eight different kinds of twisted? From what I've heard this is par for the course for L.

Anyway, W's dad is in charge of a big judicial power, which you've probably guessed who this is if you know _anything_ about politics, and shows up to arrest everyone involved in that mess. This means H, L, N, T, and he probably would have arrested everyone else if they were there.

H ends up dropping a small house on him by accident after he kills her then-boyfriend, also by accident. The then-boyfriend jumped in front of H to protect her from W's dad, and W's dad was trying to kill L, and he'd mistaken H for L because they sound and look really similar and he hasn't seen L since she poisoned him and had some human traffickers ship him off to the middle of nowhere. This is another long story that we don't have time for, because I live in a royal soap opera of nonsense.

Now, keep in mind, I only heard about this all after it happened, but I swear it's all true. I was in the middle of some podunk town with a haunted castle, doing paperwork for an idiot bureaucrat. Did I hate my job? Yeah. Did I get paid well, and suffer less attacks on my life than my cousins? _Absolutely,_ so I dealt with it.

So all of this is happening, L manages to find time to shoot T and steal N's identity, and then H heads home to claim _her_ inheritance, which is great for T and M and W, all of whom want to marry her, because it means she's on their level. H isn't doing this to marry them as royalty. She's doing this to get a haunted castle and some catapults.

Yeah, you heard it. Haunted castle. The same one that's in the town I'm working in.

Please remember that nobody knows where the fuck L has gone. The woman is dangerous and evil and we can't keep tabs on her.

Y'all, I cannot explain how much I hate this situation. I hate everything about it. It's some ridiculously complicated web of _~*~romance~*~_ and I can't deal with a single person involved without wanting to put my head through a wall. Maybe Z, sometimes, because she's cool and has swords, but everyone else is a literal nightmare to work with, talk to, or deal with.

I did have a short crush on H's assistant but it turns out he probably needs more therapy than my family before I can date him so like. Whatever, I guess?  
You're all laughing at me like I'm making it up. I can assure you I'm not. This is all entirely real and I have links to literal articles about this mess if you want to know about European nobility having spats about inheritance and castles.

So _anyway,_ H inherits her fucking haunted castle, which I'm pretty sure tried to hit on me, and then tells everyone to fuck off. In the process, we have to save T from dying on the basis of M poisoning him while he was in the hospital from when L shot him (did I mention that? I did. L shot him and he got taken to the hospital in haunted castle town because it's advanced enough for him to not die of his own stupidity in working for the lady), and then W shows up with his dad's army because his dad, who got crushed by a chicken house, _like I said,_ has decided that he actually really, _really_ has to arrest H, and is apparently trying to just overwhelm her town, and maybe lay a siege, with his own big weapons.

Really, _really_ big weapons.

Side note: My cousin has informed me that W is not compensating for anything, and one of H's crazy uncles has informed me that W's dad isn't compensating for anything either. I wanted to know absolutely none of this, but here we are.

By the time all this is over, M has shown up and kidnapped H to his fancy ski hideout in the mountains because why not, right? He also manages to kidnap me, H's cat, and a weasel. He didn't want the three of us, but we kind of took over and kicked his ass after we found his stupid secret room in the stupid secret ski hideout. I went there for for family vacations I hated, dude, I know where you hid the chocolates.

[pause]

Guys, I hate my family.

So much.

They are the absolute worst and they know it, and none of them are willing to do any work to improve themselves. It's just assassinations and intrigue all the way down. Nobody asks me how my gambol practice is coming along. Nobody wrote me letters to haunted castle town. Nobody asked me if I liked my job, it's just "oh, Violetta, someone's trying to kill me" this and "oh, Violetta, I need you to spy on this aunt" that, like, come on. I don't like my job doing paperwork and I don't like doing your dirty work. Grow up!

You know who my favorite cousin is, out of all that? S. S is a sweetheart who could kill you, but she's still a sweetheart, and her solution to "the man I like is in love with a girl" isn't to kill the girl, which is what most of my relatives would do, it's "convince the girl to marry my cousin, so I can have the guy I like after he gives up on her."

Unfortunately for Cousin S... W and T aren't going to give up on H, especially since she likes both of them and, as mentioned, they're probably super horny for each other. Like, so horny.

Guys, they're so horny the _haunted castle_ tried to get them to hook up with H, and hooking up with each other was technically optional but definitely suggested.

Did I mention that Cousin T managed to get kidnapped while we were in the haunted castle? By a convict working under duress for W's dad? A convict that thought he was W because W's dad wanted to get his son out of the haunted castle?

Did I mention he then got kidnapped _again,_ almost _immediately_ after M pulled his disappearing act with H?

And again just a few weeks later?

Honestly, these people are going to be the death of me, and I don't just mean because I just caught another random distant uncle throwing a knife at my ribs. I KNOW YOU'RE THERE, ASSHOLES. GET OVER IT.

And you know what the worst part is?

We _still_ don't know where L went after she shot one cousin and stole the other's identity.

[pause for applause]

Thank you, folks, you've been a great audience! No, seriously, I mean that. This is better than therapy. Good night!


End file.
